I’m so scared I miss my life. I don’t want to die. I could
cry about this every night. It’s so strange if you consider how I talk to
people about my life – indirectly I’m telling them things from the heart, but
they can never know. Let me explain: “My friends say it seems like I’m in love
with you” really is just me saying “I’m crazy in love with you”. “I cried
myself to sleep thinking of stupid shit and missing my dad” really is me saying
that “I’m scared to shit of my thoughts and they got so bad last night that he
died. I don’t want him to die.” “I had a really bad scary dream last night!”
means “my thoughts are freaking me out, I’m scared”
I can’t explain, but eventually I will be able to, doesn’t matter
what I say I can’t explain, eventually I am able.
I don’t want to miss my life. I’m so scared I’m going to
die. (Crying so much right now). I know
no one wants to die, but seriously, I cry about it so much more than I care to
admit. It’s strange, as soon as the thought pops up in between the others it
overrules everything, then it starts planting it’s feet, and the next thing on
my mind is firstly how I don’t want to leave my family behind when I die –
imagine that pain. Then simultaneously I’m thinking how I would no longer be
alive if I ever lost the people closest to me. This might be the worst thing to
say publicly, and I really don’t mean to offend, this is just how it works in
my thoughts (which, remember, scare the shit out of me) but one of the biggest
reasons I have ever cried in my life over and over and over is losing my
brother. There is no bigger pain. I can’t explain how much I have cried over
that, I feel so much pain just thinking it. The next person I have cried the
most over is my dad. Of all the men in my life, I appreciate them all, but
without those two men, I would be nothing. They have such an immense impact on
my life – I will forever be grateful to them and appreciate them with all my
heart. I love my mother too, and I cry about losing her too, but somehow… this
opens the door for another very deeply emotional story...
I don’t care if the whole world knows this about me, or if
no one ever reads this… Actually, that’s why it’s here. You (reading this) are
my no one. Anonymity is one of my favourite disguises. You could be me and it
wouldn’t matter. We could be twins, you could be the president or you could be
a random stranger – you know something about me. This is a special, very very
special thing to know about me.
