Always right there

Have you ever been given attention? Have you ever been given attention only for it to be taken away too quickly? Imagine the hunger, imagine the incredible amount of want, to feel appreciated or even noticed. Imagine never feeling happy because someone else said you’re beautiful.

Now imagine after years of feeling this way, suddenly, without warning it all changes and for a few moments at a time, repeatedly, you are a star. You shine so incredibly bright, and so many want to know you, and then at the end, just like watching a movie, everyone goes home and back to their lives. Everyone but you. You’re still there.

You’re still there.
Like you’re just a theatre. You’re always there, aging with time, often admired and even studied from the outside. People pass you by all the time, many take what you have to offer and use it to enrich their lives, your purpose is appreciated only by some. There are those privileged few who really get to know you, those who take care of you and love you for all the small things you are. They won’t always stay, but some will try their best to be there as long as they can.

In my life, often, I feel like a room. A space. A space where people find happiness. A space where people can go to be alone and really let their fears and emotions go. A space that will always make you feel welcome and will always try it’s best to make you feel alright again. Yes, you will always find people that use a space, trash it and leave it to someone else to fix. The problem with leaving a space to be fixed by another, is that no one has time for that. We are all so busy that we can’t fix what isn’t ours. Except this space, somehow this space manages to clear up the mess another has left, and is always ready to be there for the next person. Somehow this space manages to not get caught up by those who don’t appreciate what they’ve found or what they had. Maybe in the dark this space closes it’s doors and just breathes, maybe it just switches off the lights and lets it go. Maybe this space knows that not all people are the same and that there is that one person who will always come back, maybe it’s the hope that one day it will be appreciated for the beautiful, giving, loving, space that it is.

I am this space.

Imagine a world without me...

I’ve come to the sad realisation that I often prefer to pass out than to fall asleep. Yes there’s a difference. To pass out you need to be either tipsy (or drunk even) or so tired it’s not possible to wait to sleep. To fall asleep is difficult, it’s only occurred to me now that whenever I try to sleep, I struggle for hours, and then I sleep really badly. What does this mean? My subconscious is so busy that I just can’t manage to LET myself sleep? I need my body to force me?

I’m so scared I miss my life. I don’t want to die. I could cry about this every night. It’s so strange if you consider how I talk to people about my life – indirectly I’m telling them things from the heart, but they can never know. Let me explain: “My friends say it seems like I’m in love with you” really is just me saying “I’m crazy in love with you”. “I cried myself to sleep thinking of stupid shit and missing my dad” really is me saying that “I’m scared to shit of my thoughts and they got so bad last night that he died. I don’t want him to die.” “I had a really bad scary dream last night!” means “my thoughts are freaking me out, I’m scared”

I can’t explain, but eventually I will be able to, doesn’t matter what I say I can’t explain, eventually I am able.

I don’t want to miss my life. I’m so scared I’m going to die.  (Crying so much right now). I know no one wants to die, but seriously, I cry about it so much more than I care to admit. It’s strange, as soon as the thought pops up in between the others it overrules everything, then it starts planting it’s feet, and the next thing on my mind is firstly how I don’t want to leave my family behind when I die – imagine that pain. Then simultaneously I’m thinking how I would no longer be alive if I ever lost the people closest to me. This might be the worst thing to say publicly, and I really don’t mean to offend, this is just how it works in my thoughts (which, remember, scare the shit out of me) but one of the biggest reasons I have ever cried in my life over and over and over is losing my brother. There is no bigger pain. I can’t explain how much I have cried over that, I feel so much pain just thinking it. The next person I have cried the most over is my dad. Of all the men in my life, I appreciate them all, but without those two men, I would be nothing. They have such an immense impact on my life – I will forever be grateful to them and appreciate them with all my heart. I love my mother too, and I cry about losing her too, but somehow… this opens the door for another very deeply emotional story...

I don’t care if the whole world knows this about me, or if no one ever reads this… Actually, that’s why it’s here. You (reading this) are my no one. Anonymity is one of my favourite disguises. You could be me and it wouldn’t matter. We could be twins, you could be the president or you could be a random stranger – you know something about me. This is a special, very very special thing to know about me.

Heart & Soul

I don’t even want to know why. Okay that’s a lie, I always want to know why; even if I regret knowing it later, I can’t not know. And it can be anything. I just have that need that I have to know.

It doesn’t really matter how often I do cry, especially over the same thing. It means that what I want is still what I want. And what I need is still found wanting in my heart and soul. It’s true I don’t always know what I want, and often I’ll decide and change my mind. But surely if I keep choosing that one thing it must mean that’s the one thing I really do want?

I used to say that I don’t mind fighting every single day as long as I see you. And I still believe that, but in a more defined way. I can take it when we fight but with reason and still love each other and still want to be together. I can even take it if we apologise afterwards still knowing we’ll fight over it again. That’s fine. However, I realised recently that I can’t live without apologies. I can’t live without accepting responsibility for our faults.

I don’t know about you, but walking into a room of people – known to me or not – I want to feel that sense of being alive. I need that touch or recognition from you that you know you’re there with me. And I’m there with you. WITH YOU. Maybe you don’t understand, or maybe you already feel it, but I don’t. I don’t feel like everyone knows I’m yours. I don’t get that feeling that you want the world to know I’m taken, and that YOU are the LUCKY GUY who has ME.

It’s a simple concept: One day you will meet that person who changes everything. Your life as you knew it before is really over, and without that one person you feel you will die. True. Your life will change a few times in your lifetime. It simply has to. Maybe it won’t be as clear to you as it is to others, but eventually you will realise the impact someone has had on your life. You might hate them for it, but you could also discover that you love them for it. I’m not saying it will be your one true love, it could be a friend or a long lost relative, it could even be someone you have known your whole life. Essentially, you should always be looking for a sign. You should always be aware and ready for that moment that could change the rest of your life from the way you know it.

I once wrote about the risks of living and the risks of waiting. Well in this case I think you should’nt wait too long. If you think you’ve found that one thing that makes you happy or maybe you think you’ve found the one you need to be happy forever more, then by all means, do something about it. By waiting you are only increasing your chances of losing your special thing. Just because I’m saying take the risk, doesn’t mean it will work out, but by waiting it doesn’t mean it will work out later. Some things just aren’t meant to be. The best way to know is to try. I’ve tried, and I think I’ll try again – sometimes you miss that one piece that proves it and the second time you look you see it better. So as for my contribution, besides my words and thoughts, I will today make the vow to try again.  Now my promise doesn’t mean I’m going to jump tomorrow, but I will make the effort and I will jump eventually. And by taking my advice I won’t be waiting very long to make that decision.

Here’s to risking it bravely, and no matter the outcome… I will eventually find my happiness…

I saw God today

I saw you today. It was magnificent. At first I just saw you, and then I smiled. In an instant everything came crashing in again and I lost sight of you. Within a second of seeing you, you were gone.

Then a few moments later, you appeared to me again, this time not subtly at all. This time I knew it was you and that you’d come back for me. I cried even at your wonder-full sight. I’d never seen you like this before, and I could not bring myself to share your beauty with anyone else.

You disappeared so soon again, but instead of the darkness from before, you left me in a brilliant brightness that filled me with hope.

With our brief encounter, I knew that my bewilderedness was necessary and I now believe in my thoughts again.

*Sun