Imagine a world without me...

I’ve come to the sad realisation that I often prefer to pass out than to fall asleep. Yes there’s a difference. To pass out you need to be either tipsy (or drunk even) or so tired it’s not possible to wait to sleep. To fall asleep is difficult, it’s only occurred to me now that whenever I try to sleep, I struggle for hours, and then I sleep really badly. What does this mean? My subconscious is so busy that I just can’t manage to LET myself sleep? I need my body to force me?

I’m so scared I miss my life. I don’t want to die. I could cry about this every night. It’s so strange if you consider how I talk to people about my life – indirectly I’m telling them things from the heart, but they can never know. Let me explain: “My friends say it seems like I’m in love with you” really is just me saying “I’m crazy in love with you”. “I cried myself to sleep thinking of stupid shit and missing my dad” really is me saying that “I’m scared to shit of my thoughts and they got so bad last night that he died. I don’t want him to die.” “I had a really bad scary dream last night!” means “my thoughts are freaking me out, I’m scared”

I can’t explain, but eventually I will be able to, doesn’t matter what I say I can’t explain, eventually I am able.

I don’t want to miss my life. I’m so scared I’m going to die.  (Crying so much right now). I know no one wants to die, but seriously, I cry about it so much more than I care to admit. It’s strange, as soon as the thought pops up in between the others it overrules everything, then it starts planting it’s feet, and the next thing on my mind is firstly how I don’t want to leave my family behind when I die – imagine that pain. Then simultaneously I’m thinking how I would no longer be alive if I ever lost the people closest to me. This might be the worst thing to say publicly, and I really don’t mean to offend, this is just how it works in my thoughts (which, remember, scare the shit out of me) but one of the biggest reasons I have ever cried in my life over and over and over is losing my brother. There is no bigger pain. I can’t explain how much I have cried over that, I feel so much pain just thinking it. The next person I have cried the most over is my dad. Of all the men in my life, I appreciate them all, but without those two men, I would be nothing. They have such an immense impact on my life – I will forever be grateful to them and appreciate them with all my heart. I love my mother too, and I cry about losing her too, but somehow… this opens the door for another very deeply emotional story...

I don’t care if the whole world knows this about me, or if no one ever reads this… Actually, that’s why it’s here. You (reading this) are my no one. Anonymity is one of my favourite disguises. You could be me and it wouldn’t matter. We could be twins, you could be the president or you could be a random stranger – you know something about me. This is a special, very very special thing to know about me.