Suddenly they're gone

How the fuck do you deal with losing someone you love?

I’ve never lost anyone like that. I mean, people I love have left, but none have died. They’re still here somewhere in the world.

Imagine fining the perfect person, and they love you back as much as you love them. They’re your whole world, and then one day, even if you can’t stand a single thing they do anymore, they’re just gone. No fucking goodbye, no warning. Nothing.

He’s lying in bed, the same bed he’s been sleeping in for the past 40 years, but this time, shes not there, and she’s never coming back. He looks to her side, the side where she used to snore and irritate him night after night, and it breaks your heart.

I hate that we search for the perfect person, because there really is such a thing, and then from the moment we find that person, however long it takes, we live in constant fear of losing them. I can’t imagine what I’d do. It’s easy to think: “I’ll just go on with life and try get over it” “Everyone loses someone at some point” bla bla bla, no one knows until we get there, and that’s what scares me. Going through the motions, going on with life, but half of you is completely missing. How the fuck.

 

I wrote this about 2 years ago, regarding my boyfriend at the time's issue with death, so it feels like it fits: 

I guess that’s how you really know that you love someone, your feel their great pain even though you have no idea how they feel. I feel only a fraction of it – and for him. At first I didn’t know what I was feeling or even why, but it dawned on me this morning as the messages of thoughts and memories started popping up. His sadness and pain starts way before the actual day. I mean how could it not? Suddenly all the memories are squashed into a few short days. Good ones, bad ones, all of them. And life doesn’t stop for you to handle your extra emotions, it keeps going and sometimes gets harder right there when you least need it. I can understand the need to be alone and even the need to shut people out completely. It’s his very own situation – and even though his mom and brother also have that situation theirs is different (from his and one another’s). Everybody deals with it in their own way.

I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I really wish I had. So many people, all the time, talk about his wonderfulness – and his whole family are so happy when they mention him (their eyes literally sparkle) even when it’s on days like these. He is so much a part of their lives still that I can understand why today of all days is the most upsetting.

RIP Mr Faria, I never met you but somehow I know you, because people are not known by their looks or their things, but by the way other’s speak of them and remember them when they’re gone.

05-05-2000 - 05-05-2012