It's all in the film

They say music is the best escape from anything, the best way to let out feelings without words of your own. People say they find themselves in song, that everything feels better in music. Maybe it’s true, for them...

For me it’s in film.

I’ve been told that I’m too much of a dreamer, judged for acting like my life is a movie; that my idea that true love exists and will find me one day is too much like a movie and therefor an unreal dream and seemingly impossible. How can anyone ever know my dreams? They can’t possibly tell me I’m wrong, they don’t live in my world...

I don’t know any other experience besides my own. Telling me your story will only inspire me for my own. My life is filled with perfect movie moments, and I treasure them greatly. I do believe I am the star of my own show, and my life is exactly as I see it.

I’m a tremendous lover of film. When I need advice, I do the obvious things: asking people around me, researching answers in books and on the internet, but my most remarkable answers and inspirations are always found in the same place… In films…

It’s not necessarily even a film about the issue I seem to have, sometimes it just makes me cry and then I’ll have a brilliant idea on how to fix my life, or perhaps it makes me laugh and suddenly I have the energy to build a better model than the drawing I just messed up.

Film, for me, is about looking deeper. Someone had to make some very definitive decisions for a film to be what it is. They leave nothing to chance, except your interpretation and what you take from it. From lighting to set, from actors and characters to location and background music; here everything coming together is what matters most – but the result is not to have a great film only, no, it’s to invoke feelings, stimulate thought and encourage someone to hope or fear or try.

My darkest days have been filled with light by the simple gesture of a friend. You could have no “real” physical friends, yet have the best friendships anyone has ever had. I find solace with the fictional friends in my world. To you this might seem strange, and you might even call me crazy, but I have friends that won’t judge me or question me about my problems, they just entertain me, console me and give me answers where others would not manage. In reality, the answers are my own, from inside. We all have that ability, to know what we need and how we feel, some just ignore it. For me, to find it, I need a reminder to look within.

It’s funny, for a film to be made a range of people need to make decisions, about who they are, who their audience is, what the aim is etc. To be able to experience a film, for yourself, you need to make decisions too; will I let this film be good for me or bad for me? Will I let it be a simple, straight forward story with perhaps a lesson? Or even no lesson with just a basic plot? Will I ignore all obviousness and see the deeper meaning that only exists for me?

Just like deciding who are, and want to be, in the same way we have to decide what we want and need from the things around us. Every day we make the decision to be happy, or not.

Take the leap and try a different choice. Be inspired by everything all at once and feel your soul take flight into the possibilities of your imagination…

P.S Be you

Am I crying because I’m lonely? Or because I’m scared?

Fuck what if I never find you? The fear of never reaching a goal is absolutely horrific. It’s not so much a goal though, it’s more like the entire purpose of my life.

Our hearts break, often. And the courageous few of us will keep getting up, having faith that it’s all worth it in the end, worth spending the time to perhaps meet that one person. Sometimes you meet someone and you wonder… Is this the one? Could I love THIS person forever? Mostly though it ends up as either a huge fail or disappointment. As with this (the way I feel right now), you can sit at home and be upset about it, which for a little while makes it feel better, but eventually you should get up again. Trying, even if it’s for the millionth time, is always better than giving up.

Equally you can blame everyone you meet, or even yourself, but that’s not the reason it didn’t work is it? Maybe you were on different paths, maybe your ideas about life, love and everything in between are different, or maybe you’re just not meant to be… Accepting it is the easiest way to get over it and enjoy your life.

For me, this all happens often, but I’ve found that most people I’ve encountered, that are no longer in my life per se, have taught me some extremely valuable lessons, be it about myself, or what I like, maybe what I dislike or even what I never knew I wanted. I don’t have to love them anymore, or care about their lives and choices either, I don’t have to stay in contact or worry about running into them. All I need is to become more of myself, more of who my “one” is looking for.

I can’t say I’m grateful for the things they’ve done to me, nor can I say I don’t hate  apart of them, but given the choice? I would do it all the same way again… My life is so full… so wonderfully full of experiences and lessons learnt. I won’t ever give them the pleasure of having been important to me anymore. It’s just me and what I have left.